I was emailed a link to the top 50 Best English jokes [here]. ^_^ Hilarious! I love this kind of punny humor. Sometimes it takes a few seconds to understand, but these are all really clever. I culled out all the ones I didn't think were so funny, and was left with 32 jokes. Which ones are your favorites? ^_~
-----1. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
2. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
3.I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
4. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home". He said, "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.
7. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
8. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
9. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
10. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
11. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
13. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
14. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
15. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
16. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
17. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
18. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
19. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
20. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
21. I was in a store and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"
22. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
23. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here."
24. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
25. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
26. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
27. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
28. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
29. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
30. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
31. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
32. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
There were also some pretty good jokes in the comment section. Here are 10 that I particularly found funny:
1: Married life is like a deck of cards. It starts off with two hearts and a diamond. Ends up with you looking for a club and a spade.
2: A little boy was walking past some waney lap fences with his dad and he said " what are those holes dad" They are knot holes he said. The boy said "well if they are not what are they.
3: I went to the cinema to see the film 'Batman Forever', but they threw me out after two hours.
4: 2 skinheads walking in Trafalgar square, one says to the other: "What would you do if a bird shat on your head?", the other goes, "Well, I wouldn't go out with her again"
5: They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
6: A young blonde goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. "I think I know what the problem is," he says. "Your finger is broken."
7: As an Englishman and a Scot were admiring a horse, the horse stepped into a hole and broke it's leg. The Englishman said, "where I come from, we shoot a horse with a broken leg". The Scot replied, "where I come from, we use a gun".
8: Two atoms were walking down the road and suddenly, one fell down. The other asked, "are you all right?" The first answered, " I think so, but I believe I've lost my electron". The second asked, "are you sure?" The first answered, "yes, I'm positive".
9: Two blondes were standing on either side of a raging river when one shouted to the other, "how do I get on the other side"? The other shouted back, "you're already on the other side."
10: Van Gogh goes in a bar and orders a pint of beer. Once served his friend enters the same bar and sees Van Gogh, he shouts..."Vincent, can I get you a drink"? Van Gogh replies "No thanks, I've got one 'ere".
Hope you enjoyed these jokes and got a healthy LOL today! ^_^