I don't know what I'm doing

For the last few days, I have felt many things... Lost. Restless. Lazy. Wishful. Guilty. (All in no particular order.)

It's been too long since my last post, so here's what's been happening in my life:

On Valentine's Day, my mom got a call from Israel that my grandfather was in the hospital. Long story short, he fell to the floor, hit his head, and might have even injured his brain. I was shocked when I heard the news in the kitchen getting breakfast, but it was hard to feel very sad about it right then, because my boyfriend Jerome had stayed the night and was there, and it's hard for me to be sad about anything when he's around. ^_^ My brother and sister had their own plans during the weekend, so it wasn't until the next day that they heard the bad news.

So anyway, since then, I haven't been very motivated to do my normal website work with my dad and sister. Mostly because I know things are tough for my parents right now, and they aren't showing much motivation either. These are just strange times...

I feel like I'm just wasting time, though. I've been continuing my French studies with the Duolingo app (see my last post), which is steadily getting harder, but is still lots of fun. It's kind of addictive, actually. I have no real reason for learning the language. It's not like I'm scheduled to visit France any time soon. It's just because I can, and I like it. Still...

I've been reading a lot (I finished the first 3 books of the Crossfire series, and I'm excitedly awaiting the 4th from the library. I've continued reading bits of them Jerome, and the shared experience makes it so special to me), eating a lot (it was cold for a while, so my mom has been making lots of soups and pastas and stuff), spending lots of time on YouTube (even though I promised myself I would stop) and generally feeling like just a consumer and not a creator.

Meanwhile my sister Annette spent the last few days putting together a really funny video that combines "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" with the so-bad-it's-surprisingly-good movie "Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist", which you can see here.

http://youtu.be/AtA7VqpAESQ

Already it has nearly 300 views, because one of her friends linked to it in an MLP forum. I'm proud of her for making it, though I'm partly jealous of her for having something so creative to work on while I have nothing...

It just hit me hard this moment that I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. I'm sure everyone has felt the same way at one time or another, but it's still a strange feeling...

I also realized something as I was walking with my dad this afternoon: In another couple of years, heck,  maybe even within one year, my family is eventually going to explode, scatter, break apart. Whether because my parents decide to split for whatever reason (things have been rocky for them sometimes), or Annette and I (or even Adam) finally move out of the house and start our own lives, the 5 of us aren't always going to be the tight unit we've always been known to be. We'll be forced to make our way through life as individuals...

I'm so used to the lifestyle I have now that it's hard to think about the life I really want for myself. I tell myself I want to be a writer, but I don't write nearly enough. Why don't I write? Because I've always had my website work as an excuse.

So what's my excuse now?